Becoming with #1 Bestselling Author and Coach Kim Mench
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Time for tea with Mikita is a podcast about redefining self care. It's about looking at every aspect of our life from music, career, family and relationships, and everything in between. It's about spilling tea on those conversations that sometime are hard to have with other people. Well, we're not ashamed to have those conversations right here. So join me as I spill tea on every topic you ever thought about, talked about or whispered about. Hey y'all, it's definitely time for some tea. Hey, it's Mikita and I'm spilling a little tea.
Welcome back. It is time for tea with Mikita. So as many of you know, I've spent much of my young adult years trying to please other people and I never really took the time to really like examining where those beliefs come from. Why do I feel like I have to make other people happy? And never really look at what makes me happy. And when I was started to really think about this, then I started to ask myself well, what part of that childhood spilled over into my adult life and to my adult relationships and really like how does those things like how have they affected me, my kids, my husband and any of the relationships that I form, and that's why I am so happy to have with me today, author of becoming me while raising you, a mother's journey to herself. Kim Mench. Thank you so much. Conversation with you mikita, I think this is such an important topic. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to chat with you today. Yes, thank you. We love when people come here and spill tea on and really kind of let us know how what you've been through. Can really help other people to really come to terms and just give us a different idea of what's, you know, we're not alone. And what we go through in life. Yeah. I agree. And I think the book, the book really is written in three parts. So the first part is called becoming me. And those were the that identified 6 beliefs that I had about myself. And, you know, I've been doing this kind of self reflective work for about ten years, but just a couple of years ago I came to this idea of like, what do I really believe about myself? And where did that come from? So the beginning of the book are the 6 different beliefs that I took on about myself that I think are common beliefs that people have about themselves. But I went back and I thought, when was the first time I remember feeling this way, in particular, the first one is that I'm not worthy of being heard. When was the first time that I can literally recall this feeling that way? And so as you know, as you know, read the book that particular incident with my dad, which was not out of the ordinary, but it was a parent child situation is when I took on that belief about myself. So at the beginning of the book is these 6 beliefs, including I'm not worthy of being heard. I need to perform for love and approval. I can't trust myself. I don't make healthy decisions. I'll never be good enough. And pay close attention to money or be very careful around money. So those are the beliefs that I operated from while, you know, heading through my teen years and into my young adulthood and even carry for many years into the second part of the book, which is called raising you. And that is where I really show many examples of how these limiting beliefs played out in my marriage and in my parenting of 5 children for many years.
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The other part of the second, the second portion of the book, the raising me part is the opportunity that I had. And I don't think people discuss this topic as an opportunity, but I'm going to hear my son at the age of 20 called me from our home state of Wisconsin to tell me we were living in Texas at the time. He was 20, and he called tell me that he'd lost the last three days of his life to an alcohol binge. It wasn't the first time and he needed help. So that was really my parenting wake-up call and my opportunity not only to learn about addiction and how it affected my son and our family, but how I could use the opportunity of addiction to grow up as a mom. And not many people talk about it in that sense. You know, there's a lot of times when we talk about addiction in terms of either woe is me or I can't get this child to do this or that or kind of a, it is a very challenging situation to be in with a child or a parent or a sibling. However, I used it. I just made a decision to use it to help me learn more about myself. Learn more about parenting and to make some shifts within myself. And that's where I began the work of looking at what do I believe about myself? How is that affecting me and the people I love most? And is it true? And if it's not true, what is true? So the last portion of the book really looks at the beliefs that I have shifted into and since you're not there, I don't want to be as far as I'm going to tell you what those are. But the point is that everybody takes on some beliefs about themselves in their childhood that aren't true. Just because of the nature of the parent child relationship or if maybe not a parent, it might be a teacher. It might be we're so influenced in our young ages, which is something I wish I would have understood better when my kids were little. I mean, I kind of knew, but now I really know how impactful those first 5 or 6 years are. And I don't say that to want to throw my parents under the bus for the way they raised us because I think we've been parenting a lot generationally a lot of the same and what we're seeing is a rise in childhood behavior issues in anxiety and depression. And I think some of those things can be attributed to the way that we're parenting and needing to evolve the way that we're raising our children to one of them and not over them. I think their behaviors are screaming at us to recognize and see them for who they are and not for who we want or need them to be. I agree. I think as a parent myself, I would have known how impressionable what my kids watched on TV, what they listened to, if in that moment what they were soaking those things up because they're my little sponges. They soak up everything. And if I could have just added some content on what they were seeing, what they were listening to to really help them to understand how much of this is a reality and how it's affecting them. I could have been, you know, I feel like much more effective parent, you know, I don't. I don't beat myself up over it, but it's just like, you know, you don't know, you can't teach what you don't know. That's right. And that's exactly true. And when we know better, we do better. And, you know, I certainly, like I said, I wish I would have understood when my kids, my kids at this point are 16 to 33 years old. So I definitely learn more in my own growing and seeking consciousness and being intentional with my kids. Over the years, I've learned, but I sure wish. And there's nothing, you know, you have to release what you didn't know. But, you know, when people say the kid doesn't come with a manual kind of thing. What I want to say and I think one of the most important things that I could tell your listeners today is that we are the manual on which our grandchildren will be raised. And so that doesn't mean we need to be perfect because that's not possible anyway. It does mean if you hear that and that resonates with you that we need to be intentional. And we need to practice taking good care of ourselves, emotionally, so we can be available to our kids.
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Yeah. I like the part about being emotionally there for our kids. Sometimes we forget to be emotionally there in the moment with them because they have, especially in the teen years, kids have so many emotions so much going on that we for we forget to just be there sometimes with them. Right. And they won't come to us. Make it, they won't come to us with their challenges or their questions or their struggles if they, in any way, shape or form, feel that we're not open and by that, I mean, we're stressed, we're busy we're just not there. The phone. And whatever else, you know how you can be in a conversation, but you're not really there. And they know that. And they're not going to they're going to pick up on that. And they're going to they're just not going to come to you. And we really, especially during their adolescence, need to be calm in their storm, because there's a lot to growing up these days, lives. So we didn't even have to deal with, right? Yes. I'm so glad. So what's the story behind your book? How did what made you decide hey I need to get the story up. I need to tell the story. Wow. You know, I think it's calling in my heart. A couple of years ago, the title was downloaded to me, just on I was doing housework or I was just some funding. And I was just like, wow, becoming me while raising you. That really just, and it was shortly after Michelle Obama's book or shortly before I went Michelle Obama's book becoming came out. Okay. Oh no, I'm screwed. That's already taken. I thought it was just such an amazing, just the word becoming. And that's what we're always doing is we're becoming that's what life is, you know, a learning every day is a learning journey for us. And so the title was downloaded to me. And I didn't quite know what to do with it. And then it became like a burning, I got to write this book. I got to write this book. And I really struggle last summer I read a book that was very impactful for me. It's called the top 5 regrets of the dying by brawny ware. And it is all about she was a hospice worker for many years. And she compiled what she says are the top 5 regrets of people who are passing away. And the first regret, the first regret is that you lived a life for what everyone else needed you to be and not who you truly were. Truly are. And I read that and I was like, I had been juggling a job and trying to build my parent coaching business and my husband's business was highly affected by the pandemic and so much was going on for everyone. But I read this book and I thought I have to write this book. And it's just not getting done. It's just not getting done because I'm trying to do all the things. And I tell parents all the time, how they need to be present to their children and here I am living this life of trying to keep us together financially and provide the insurance and trying to write this book and build a coaching business. And so I went to my husband and I said, I have to get this book out. And I need to quit my job in order to do that. And that was a huge risk. And it didn't come with his support initially. So that's what I did at the end of 2020. I quit my job and I got up every morning at 5 o'clock because that was the most clear time for me and it was quiet in the house. And I gave myself a deadline. I was like, the end of January, I'm going to have this book ready to go. I have to have it to the next step because it had been hanging over my head for a long time. So that's what I did. I gave myself a deadline and I got up every morning and I meditated and I disciplined myself and I didn't even know quite where I was going with it until again the work of discovering what I was believing about myself and whether or not it was true became so apparent to me. I thought this is a universal truth for everybody. This is. And so while these stories that I tell from my childhood are very they're very raw in their very, I think relatable to people and the reason that they're going to get the lesson from this book is not because maybe they've even had anything just like that happen to them. But the emotions that are attached to the stories are things that everybody I think can relate to.
00:15:03 - 00:20:01
Feeling a Los of trust within oneself, feeling like you're not good enough is a universal belief that we take on and I can come from a lot of different places for me. It was one particular thing. But and it gets reinforced because when we believe something about ourselves, we start seeing evidence of that over and over and over again. So to shift those beliefs, like now I believe that I'm worth listening to. And so I get on podcasts like years and years. And you know, I spread the news and the word of limiting beliefs and how they can affect us because I think it's so important for us to be working on this now. And now is the time to be doing this. Yeah. And when you talk about the limiting belief, sometimes we don't even realize that we picked up beliefs that may not always be our beliefs about ourselves. Yeah, it's so easy to attach someone else beliefs on to ours, and then they become ours without even realizing that we have something that don't even fit to who we are. Right. I totally agree with you. And so the work that I do with moms in terms of parent coaching is less about strategies. You know, there's some strategic ways that you can create more open communication with your children. But it's really about helping mom understand she's in the driver's seat of the kind of relationship she wants to have with her children. And she is also the emotional parameter in the family. So I truly believe that when moms are in alignment when they're listening to their intuition when they're drowning out all the messages that we're constantly getting from our culture, that we have the ability to ripple that calmness out to the rest of our family and our kids can come to us, knowing that we're going to listen and we're going to see them for who they are and not who they think they need to be. I love the fact that you said you really helped them to realize that they are the emotional parameter. So you are setting the stage and the kids they mimic our emotions, how we handle things, how we project our feelings and emotions. So that's an important piece. Yeah, absolutely. So, you know, I know I know a lot of moms and dads get overwhelmed with, you know, their kid just isn't doing this, and the other thing. And they're looking for these three step quick answer to get the kid to listen to get the kid to do what they're supposed to do kind of thing. And I can tell you from my own parenting, when I started working on myself, that's when the changes took place with my kids and their own challenges, which is not to say make that there's no challenges and whatever and that, you know, everything is perfect at the mint house. That's not saying that at all. I'm just what I'm saying is it's an ongoing practice. And I've learned how to have conversations with my kids that are really tough to have sometimes that I maybe would have not had previously or I wouldn't have felt capable emotionally of handling a conversation about my daughter potentially having sex or these kinds of things. We just have to get more open as people and more truthful and honest with ourselves so that we can spread that. And really that's what the book is about is sharing my truth in the hopes that it inspires other people to give themselves permission to do that same thing. I love that. What kind of what made you decide to sort of look at your beliefs? Was it the phone call with your son or was it already kind of trickling down to like getting to that point of I need to sit back and look at what part of these beliefs serve me now and what why am I holding on to this? I think I mean, it's hard to pinpoint like an exact moment. I have I know that the situation with my son and that phone call, which precipitated about I don't know a year or 18 months of some really major ups and downs for him for our whole family. That started my inward looking I don't think it was until about a couple of years ago when I started in my coaching practice and really working with parents. Because as a coach, if I'm not growing, I don't continuously grow. If I just decide, oh, I'm where it's at. I'm, you know, I know it all.
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That's going to stifle the client's ability to get where they want to go. So I am constantly learning how to grow and looking for more truth and seeking that. So I would say a couple of years ago when I really kind of hit a wall with not being able to help some of my clients get through making changes in their relationships with their kids that I really started to look at limiting beliefs. It was part of the program, but I did a deep dive into that. And it started with me. You know, I can't help someone through something that I haven't walked through myself. You know, and so that's where I think it really came from was like, you know, the key here is what we believe about ourselves. So what do I believe about myself? And gosh, where did that come from? You know, where and it not necessarily like overnight. I came up with, oh, these are the 6 things that I believe about myself. It took some time. It took some journaling. It took some reflection. And it took some knowing that I was worth it that I was worth investing that time in. So that's another thing that I would love to share with your listeners in terms of, you know, if you're in a place where you're unhappy with maybe where things are going or what's going on in your life, start to question yourself. And, you know, take some time to journal or take some time to ask and meditation in the quiet of our lives of our days when we create that quiet space for ourselves is where we can find the answer because the answer is always within us. I love the fact that when you're talking about being a parent, because I must say as a parent, when I'm holding on to a Pacific belief of feeling unworthy or I'm wondering if, you know, where I fit in when I was reading your book at one point I just stopped and was like, you know, it was a different scenario, but like, oh my goodness, where did I, when did what point of my childhood or adult life, what part made me feel like this? And did I actually spread this to my kids to make them feel like they have to be a certain way or you have to go to this college to feel worthy of my love or, you know? So I really stopped and was like, wow, I need to really, really think about where I'm at in my life and how much of this is affecting my parenting and my relationship with my kids because it came from somewhere. Yeah. And, you know, it's not for I always say that my clients and the people who pick up this book are the people who have the courage to look within. I don't think it's going to speak to someone who doesn't want to know or doesn't just either they're not ready for whatever. But I do think that the clients that come to me either it's through the book or any other avenue. They are the ones that, you know, have the courage to like, you know what? This has gone on. Maybe they inherited some beliefs like you said before . And or some behaviors. You know, they don't know what to do besides yell at their kid. And they see how destructive it's becoming, and they feel the tension in their home and they just don't want that. And they want to do better and do differently, but they don't know how. And that takes a courageous person to be able to look within because we were raised and a lot of us were raised myself included with being punished and shamed. And so this is, I think the biggest challenge that I have with finding parents who are interested and courageous enough to look within themselves because there's such a shame that, you know, like, oh, I'm a Sophie parent. I yell, my mom yelled, and they know it's a problem. But they've got to get past that shame or that bad feeling, you know, to get to get to a place of darn it, it ends with me. I am going to take responsibility and do the work that's needed because my grandkids are going to my children are one day going to have kids and those kids are going to be raised on what my kids learned about themselves. So what happened with them with me? I have a 17 year old in the 22 year old.
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And so I'm a nurse. And when my daughter was thinking about what she wanted my oldest was thinking about going to college and, you know, what she wanted to do and then she kept changing her mind and I was like, oh, you should just go to nursing school. You know, I think it's great. I was like, but you don't have to go to nursing school, but, you know, there's a lot of different avenues. And I really wasn't, in my mind, I wasn't pushing it on her. Well, she did. She went to nursing school and she hated it. And she didn't want to tell me she had switched majors. So, finally, I ended up seeing like this book. And I was like, oh, this is not a nurse in book that I. And then she finally told me and it was the sense of I'll let you down that she, you know, I was looking at her and I'm like, you didn't let me down. I don't really care. What you do, I was just kind of throwing ideas. Out there, just giving you options, but she, at that moment, when I was talking to her, she really felt like she had let me down and she was just like, I'm so sorry. And I'm like, oh, where did that come from? Yeah, yeah, it's amazing. You know, just to speak a relationship that I've had with my dad over the years and now he's read this book. And he's a little like, you know, he's 81 years old and he's a little, you know, sees things a little bit differently than I do and feels like kind of maybe threw him under the bus. And it would have been really easy for me to fall back into that belief that I'm not worthy of being heard. Because of his disapproval about some of the things I put in the book. It would have been so easy for me to fall back into that childhood belief and then the one that operated for many years in my adulthood as well. But I thought, you know, I also say in the book that, and this is related to spanking. But I also say in the book that this was a very accepted form of discipline when I was growing up. And it didn't happen in my house very often, but they were incidents that really made an impact on me. So I guess that all that is to say is it's very easy to unconsciously fall back into some beliefs. I had to talk to myself that day that, you know, like I had to be like, okay, Kim, you know, he's unhappy. He's disapproving. You know, what did I do? How did I, you know, and then I was like, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I've done way too much work on myself. And I know that I'm worth listening to. And I know that so many people who read this book will identify with the situation. And it's not about my dad and throwing him under the bus. It's about sharing a truth and a perspective that I took on. He did not intend to hurt to hurt to have it. He did not intend the moment of spanking me to turn into a belief about myself, right? And so we can't help how our children or anyone perceives the moment that they're in with us. We have can have the best of intentions, but our kids can take on things that we don't necessarily mean for them to take on. Right? We can't control that. But we can be that place of wanting to rectify a situation if it does come up. If your daughter, I'm sure when your daughter has said that, it was like, oh my gosh, you know, certainly that's not what I meant. And hopefully she then got the validation that she needed by telling you exactly how she had felt in that moment. Yes, he did . And like you said, I grew up too. When thinking were really acceptable, like you said, they didn't happen all the time, but they did happen. It wasn't abnormal. Like, today you don't really see spankings at all. So but I loved in your book, even though, you know, you mentioned, you know, the incident, you know, you got this thinking. I really felt like your dad was like a dad I knew, so your love for both the appearance still shown in the book, even though you, you know, you develop a certain belief behind what happened. It was like, I can relate to what you were feeling, and I can relate as a parent growing up, you know, and in a time that's thinking we're really acceptable that yeah, I get it. Yeah, yeah, and I like I said, I think even if you haven't had the experience of what I share in the book and those different 6 stories, the feelings that go along with it are really well developed and identified by people like yourself who are like, yeah, you know, I know exactly.
00:30:01 - 00:35:00
I know exactly from a parent perspective, how my dad felt, he must have been frustrated or overwhelmed or just lacked the parenting skill or empathy in the moment of those things. And I can see that myself as a parent, obviously, at this point. But as a child, this is what I took on as a result of that. Yeah. As kids, we don't have the knowledge and the coping skills eat quite yet to kind of dissect like what's really happening and what's really going on. So it's totally different. Right. And it's the beautiful thing is that, again, you can go back and ask yourself, what do I really believe? And where did it come from? Is it true? And if it's not true, what is true? What is the truth? And how do I want to show up every day living out that belief in that truth? And that's where I've come today in this work. And it's an everyday practice for sure. Yes, is that kind of what you do for the parents how they're really looking for themselves so they can shift the way that they relate to their kids, how they raise them and in addition to, like I said, some practical learning of the adolescent brain, because there's been so much that has been uncovered about the second phase of the brain in early teen years and how that really affects the way I think. The fact that they are risk takers during this time period and why that is. And so educating parents on we're doing a great job when our kids are born to learn about babies and stuff like that. But then we kind of get busy with life and we don't immerse ourselves into learning child development during the 15 year period of adolescence. So it's important to educate parents to help them learn some skills that will help them stay calm. Look at those limiting beliefs because all three of those things are really part of the puzzle. And so when parents practice these things, and we get together, usually, about two months. So once a week for two months is pretty much and some people will keep on with that because they'll want to continue every week to make sure that they are kind of accountable. But the learning period and the change period is really over about 8 week period of time. So and that's I really work with parents who are very committed to making change. Not that, you know, that they're going to be consistently showing up. I'm going to show up for them. They're going to show up for me. And they're going to do the work in between and we're going to really push the boundaries and change some patterns. I love that. And for any of my listeners that maybe interested in just reaching out to you to learn more about what you do or sign up for, you know, one of your coaching parenting classes, where can they reach you at? They can go to my website, which is real life parent guide dot com. I always do a 30 minute complementary consultation. I think it's very important that I learn a little bit more about the situation, the parent is in. And also share how I can help their unique family. So always a 30 minute consult and again, it's real life parent guide dot com. Okay, well, you guys heard that. And I love the fact that you said you do the 30 minute consultation. So you can really help them on an individualized basis based on what they're going through. It's really my passion and purpose to help each family that I get to touch. It's amazing. Well, thank you so much for coming on this show, just sharing your story and giving us your book is amazing. I can't wait to finish reading it. I am hooked. I'm very I'm very excited that you're reading it. And I know it's going to touch a lot of people. So thank you for allowing me to be again on the show today so that I can touch other people as well. Thank you so much. So this was such a beautiful conversation with a wonderful person. If you have not yet got your copy of becoming me while raising you, a mother's journey to herself by Kim Mitch, you definitely need to. You can find this on Amazon.com. It is such a powerful inspiring book, and she takes you through those limiting beliefs that I think we all can relate to. We've all had feelings of insecurity and self doubt. And this book's really gives us a chance to look at those things and say, hey, I'm not alone in having these feelings.
00:35:01 - 00:36:46
But let's look at moving past these feelings to a place of empowerment and discovering my true worth and getting to a place that we give value to our voice. And we realize that we deserve to be heard so really think about some of these things that we talked about and it's such such an important topic now I'm going to move into our T of the day, and it is golden glow. Now this is one of my personal favorite teas. And I say that a lot, but I love every one of my teas, but this one is really, really good because it really surprised me because I wasn't really sure at first about this tea and it just had this delicious light and sweet taste to it. It has so many super ingredients like Ginger, turmeric, carrot, beet, and pineapple pieces. Oh my gosh, it's all natural. Organic tea, and you can find this on beautifully unbalanced dot com slash shop and I want to hear more from you guys. I want to hear a topic that you want to talk about. So email me at [email protected] and don't forget to join me each and every Monday as we spill delicious hot tea. On topics that you don't want to miss. Until next time namaste.