Ep 84 Overcoming Single Parenthood Hurdles: A Conversation on Healing and Growth

This is one of my favorite episodes with Chatela Monae. I wanted to redo this and share some of the key points that really inspired me to create a spiritual practice and find inner peace from within. If you want to listen to the entire episode then click here

[00:00:02] Overcoming obstacles as a single mother
[00:03:43] Navigating Life: Resetting After Divorce and Pandemic
[00:07:11] Surrendering to God's Will
[00:10:47] Finding Purpose Through Surrendering to God
[00:14:15] Embracing a Higher Power in Life's Challenges
[00:17:50] Finding Purpose Through Faith and Balancing Motherhood
[00:21:12] Gratitude for Ongoing Story

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Resources:
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Chapters

• 0:00 Overcoming Obstacles as a Single Mom
• 8:57 Learning to Surrender and Find Purpose
• 15:03 Surrendering Control to God
• 19:18 Balancing Motherhood and Career Goals

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

too often we're forced to just put down everything that we've ever cared about, just because we have other people to take care of and we completely forget about ourselves and the things in our hearts, and that fire burns out and then we just kind of deal with it. He will not just leave you out there, like he will, if you like, really diligently seek him. He will give you the answers that you're looking for, even if it's sometimes a little silent or it might be taken longer than you expected. You know it's okay, just just wait it out, you know.

Speaker 2: 0:31

Hey there, i'm Makita, a small town girl with dreams who started a podcast with an old headset and a laptop at my kitchen table and made my dreams come true. On my podcast time for tea with Makita we chat about living life unapologetically, on your terms, from career advice, entrepreneurship, relationships and everything in between. This is your one-stop shop for real conversations and inspiration. If you're looking for connection, then you found it here. Join me every Tuesday as we dive into those sometimes hard to have conversations. So grab a cup of tea or coffee and get comfy, because this is time for tea with Makita and the tea is definitely hot. Welcome back. It is definitely time for some tea. Today, i have with me the beautiful Chantelia here to talk about what it means to overcome obstacles and being a single mom and getting back on track and all the obstacles we face sometimes as single parents. Chantelia, welcome.

Speaker 1: 1:39

Thank you, thank you, thank you for having me.

Speaker 2: 1:42

Well, it is definitely a pleasure to have you on the show. You've helped your ability to stay positive to to rise above all of that and still maintain that positiveness.

Speaker 1: 1:58

Yes, that was something that was very important to me because I guess, coming out of my marriage and when I began that separation process, the first thing that really became very clear to me was it was almost in a sense of like kind of taking my power back, because I felt like my power I had given it away so freely for such a long time. That, and one of the things in doing and taking my power back is I didn't want to carry around resentment and bitter bitterness because I felt like in doing that, you're still allowing this person to have power over you and control over your emotions and how your day is going, and I was very adamant about that not being the case. But then also, coming from you know, living in a home with a single mom and going through all that and being in a community of single women, it's like you see that a lot. You know sometimes, that's just that's the story. You know that there's their bitterness and resentment and he did this and whatever. And I didn't want to focus on that. I didn't want to focus on what another person did, didn't do what I wanted to. What I chose to focus on was myself, my own healing and looking at taking responsibility for my part and saying, well, where was I that I allowed this in my life and that was okay. So let me examine that and let me focus on that and do some some inner work there so that I can move forward and be better. And so that's how I've been able to, from the start, kind of look at things positively, you know, and not kind of sit in this, this space of negativity.

Speaker 1: 3:30

And that's been, yeah, very important to me as it really is a testament to the strength of mothers and motherhood. You know, you really sometimes you feel like I literally can't do this, or somebody, sometimes people look at you and they're like, well, how are you doing it? and you know, you just kind of look at them and you're just like, i don't know, i just take one day at a time. Like you, literally you just do it because you're in it. But, yeah, that's that. The strength that I hear from that story is just really amazing.

Speaker 1: 3:59

But as far as myself and my journey, so I guess, just as a backdrop, with my mother being a single mom, her whole thing was this is not going to be your life. You're going to do better, you're going to go off. You're going to get the education you're going to have a good career. You're going to, you're going to live the good life, you know. And so because I naturally excelled in school, you know the two, her motivation, you know, for my life, and having better in my natural abilities in school, it just created this perfect storm And so of course, i'm on this fast track to, you know, live in this great life. You know the golden child kind of thing.

Speaker 1: 4:37

So when I find myself after my divorce now being a single mom, it was definitely, i think, at first I was just so busy, you know, because I was still. I had went back to flying with Delta, but that the not actually separated, i was on maternity leave, so I was like, okay, well, now I need to go back to work. So I went back to working. So here I am, i have a five month, though a little over a one year old, and I'm a single mom and I'm on the road all the time, i'm away from home, and so I'm just literally in go mode constantly for like a solid year And I think because I was just constantly going and doing, i never sat down to really, you know, like you kind of almost like avoiding, like what's really there and what you're really feeling, but you just, you're just going, so you don't even have to think about it. But then the pandemic hits. You know, like I was telling you, i had this whole plan when I left Delta, that I was going to be doing my health coaching and everything was going to be great, and I had made this all planned And then a pandemic hits and it showed me you know how much in control I really was right.

Speaker 1: 5:43

So last year I was basically forced to finally, after a year of being in go mode, to sit down and to be still So I didn't, i wasn't working. You know, i didn't have literally like any distractions. I was at home with my children And, yeah, after, you know, after that started to set in, i started to kind of freak out a little bit because I was at the time I was living with my dad And I was so fearful that this was going to be the moment that completely knocked me off course And I wasn't going to be able to recover Cause I was just, i had this fear of becoming stuck. I had watched too many people in my own family you know my community they have a child young, they become a single mom, a single mother, and they may have had all the potential in the world. But after they had that child, everything just went out the window And I was just so fearful that everything that I had worked for, all of the hard work would have nothing.

Speaker 1: 6:48

And so I'm still. I'm trying to like jobs Now. I'm trying to job search in the middle of a pandemic, like when I tell you I couldn't even get a job delivering groceries with ship. Like I'm just like what is how the price is mowed for a minute. Because, yeah, my identity definitely God had to do a lot of work, you know, in that area. But yeah, basically I was forced to sit down and just really start dealing with some of the things that were there, some of the insecurities, and I hit this wall where I was like this is not supposed to be my life. This was not supposed to be my story. This is not why I worked so hard. This is not why I stayed up studying and stayed away from the boys and did what they told me to do and try to walk the good walk, like everything I was supposed to do. I was perfect, but I was just like I did everything I was supposed to do. Because, on the other end of it, i was promised this like this flourishing life and I'm not flourishing, you know. I'm like in like freak out mode. And then, at the top of 2020, i just kind of hit a point where I was just like you know what God, i give it all to you. I give it all to you. I'm child on my own. I literally I surrender everything to you, my entire will. All I want for my life is your will to be done. And he was still dealing with me And, you know, even when I would still have my moments of this is not supposed to be my life. One time I kind of hear, like well, what if it is? And I kind of had to stop because it's just like well, you know, it makes you consider Like we think that we're so sure you know what our life should look like. But what if that's not what your life was supposed to look like? What if, even in the midst of this, there's still purpose in it? What if, out of my pain, you know, my purpose is developed? then what you know? So then I stopped kind of almost resenting where I was and feeling like damaged goods and those sort of things, and, needless to say, things have been better.

Speaker 1: 8:57

I learned this about myself. I knew that I had like the kind of like, kind of like underlying need for perfection, and I think that was because of all the expectations I were placed on me and the expectations that I placed on myself you know, being my own worst critic kind of thing And so what I started to realize kind of before this is that I would get like what I would try to do things I get analysis, paralysis, really bad So I can come up with the greatest idea, i can have the best ideas and I can even start going and then I just stop because somewhere in my head it's like I want to start how I'm going to finish, but I never. I never can fully see the finish line. So I just kind of lose steam and I never start. So I kept doing this and I it's just like there's so many things that I want to do and it's just it's not gaining traction And I was just kind of getting like kind of frustrated. But that's also when I just kind of laid it all down and was like you know what God, you know best, you know best, you actually created me. So you know, here I am, i'm out here just trying to like just do all of these things to just make something happen. Basically I was, i was operating out of fear because I was just like if I just do something, i don't care what it is. As long as I'm doing something, as long as I'm in motion, then I can't fail. Right, because I'm doing something, i'm working, but in reality I wasn't getting any traction because I was just spinning my wheels out of fear of not getting stuck, when really I was still stuck. I was still stuck.

Speaker 1: 10:35

So through that, one of the things that I learned from him, or one of the things that he taught me when I was kind of like dealing with this feeling of not feeling like enough, he taught me through that that it's not about me, it's not about my accolades, it's not about how eloquently I talk, it's not about my degrees or anything like. It's not about me. So this whole time I'm thinking like, you know, am I enough, can I be used, or whatever. When it's really about him, it's really about well, who is it that's working in and through me? So when I was able to look at it from that perspective and I was able to surrender everything to him, then that was literally the only thing that alleviated this need for perfection for me, that all of these expectations that I had placed on myself and this pressure I had placed on myself because I had to get it right, right. This time. I have to get it right. I can't fail again. I can't fail again.

Speaker 1: 11:39

So all these expectations that I had placed on myself, that pressure was relieved because I was like, wow, it's not in my own strength, it's not about me being enough, it's about me just emptying myself and being a willing vessel to be used, like. It's literally that simple, like if I can, if I can empty myself of my own wheel and my plans and, you know, all of these grand ideas that I have, and I can rest in the plan of the one who made me, then I don't have to strive for perfection, because he's already perfected it. All I have to do is, when he gives me a step, feel, be and act on it, and then he'll give me the next step. And so that's something that I kind of learned through this process. One of the biggest things, that's one of the things that was birthed out of this kind of season of me surrendering, is he led me to leading this small group, and so We actually talk a lot about that idea of our purpose, our purpose being birthed through our pain.

Speaker 1: 12:43

It's not that God is just like well, you know, you go and do some things and I hope it works out for you He, literally, no matter what it is, no matter what it is, he can take it and he can turn it like our pain isn't just arbitrary. Even if he never, ever intended us to have to walk through that, he can still use it And that is just like the beauty of God, that literally he can take the most disastrous, whatever that you walk through And through your testimony, through your overcoming. You know, like I always say, if you don't go through it, you can't heal from it. You know for the lot of times that we try to just like push our pain away and we try to avoid it, but that causes more problems in the end, because it's still there. It's still there harboring, it's still there lurking in the corners waiting to pop up and sabotage when something good does come along, you know. So it causes more problems.

Speaker 1: 13:41

So, even though we don't want to, we have to sit in that space of feeling that hurt and going through it and getting to the root of why it's really hurting and really analyzing our decisions and saying, well, is there some piece of this where I can take accountability, because in that there's power, and taking accountability in a situation, because what that does is it gives you the freedom to make different decisions going forward.

Speaker 1: 14:08

And so, as you like, go through this like healing, and, like I said, you go through that pain, then on the other end of it, then you can There is the other end, you know, there is that healing, there is that right Like or whatever, and then that's that's also where your strength is.

Speaker 1: 14:23

So, yeah, i've just, i've just learned that you know it's not pretty going through it, you know it's it sucks, it sucks And it's okay to say, you know, right right now things suck, you know, but there is a other side. There is an other side and there's something that you are meant to learn and take away in the midst of all this pain. And so I just, it's a lot about perspective. That's that's one of the biggest things that I've learned is just, it's a lot of the time it's about perspective. Does it take the pain away? No, does it fix whatever is happening? No, but it allows you to go through it with grace and to give yourself grace as you go through it. I think, literally, it's just, it's just that simple. You know how, joshua, you know he's always well. One of the things that he said is he said that big changes don't require big leaps.

Speaker 2: 15:15

It always stuck with me.

Speaker 1: 15:18

You know, sometimes we think in order to have these, these monumental changes in our lives, we have to do something drastic. You know, literally you don't So. Like, when it comes to this specifically, it's literally as simple as God here you go, here you go. I don't wanna be the God of my life anymore, i don't wanna be the God of part of my life anymore. Like I had this revelation and I was like how in the world are we supposed to find our life's purpose without consulting the one who gave us life? But we do it every day. Well, yeah, yeah, i was. Probably I was made by something. You know, god made me, but I got it from here. And that's literally how we live our lives, Like as if we weren't literally for a very specific purpose, a very specific mission. You know, like we just say, no, god, i got it. And that's how we live our lives.

Speaker 1: 16:26

But it's literally as simple as just recognizing wait, hey, i'm not the God of my life And I don't wanna be the God of my life, i don't wanna be in control. You know, that's like my four year old just being like you know what, my God, i'll just continue raising myself from here. After a few days it's gonna be like mommy, i don't wanna be the parent anymore, i need you to take control again. You know it's like, it's like. You know it's just so ridiculous sometimes if we really think about it. But it really is as simple as that And I'm telling you there's so much freedom in it Because, like I said, now I don't have to worry about if I have the perfect plan, because, guess what? I've gotten it wrong before. I've gotten it wrong many times.

Speaker 1: 17:08

But, hopefully I don't know best, we think we know best, but we don't know best. But if I partner with the one who actually knows best, who actually has planned my best in my ideal life since, you know, before I was even here, before the foundations of the earth, then yeah, I would much rather rest in that plan.

Speaker 2: 17:28

Yes.

Speaker 1: 17:30

Well, it has been. I have been able to find my peace again, i have been able to find my joy again. I have been able to just enjoy my children more, because before I'm carrying around the world of my shoulders and I'm walking around like everything is on my shoulders you know the money and the raising and the discipline in them and making sure that they're eating their veggies and all my party training.

Speaker 1: 17:55

You know all my shoulders And that's how I was walking around them the whole time. God is like well, you know, i can help you with some of that. Like, all you have to do is ask. Like, if you ask, i'm here. I'm just waiting on you to ask, because I'm not going to force myself on you. I want you to come to me out of your own heart, not because I forced you or coerced you to come to me. I want you to come to me because, out of the sincerity of your heart, you recognize the value of coming to me, you know, and I can help you.

Speaker 1: 18:29

And so, literally, like you know, it wasn't like a snap my finger and overnight. It's still a process, but like, daily, i can see changes happening, i can see growth happening and I can see myself, this fortitude within myself because I know who's playing, that I'm following And I know that, finally, now I'm stepping in to his purpose for me. And it's such a beautiful feeling to have, like those desires of your heart finally being realized And you know, now you're finally heading towards, you know, an ultimate goal of like realization. I just spin your wheels. So, yeah, it's a beautiful feeling, like my whole world for the last 20, 22, 23 years has been about raising children. So now, what do I do with myself? So what has happened while I'm literally in the environment where I'm feeling like I'm forced to be like do you want a career or do you want to be a good wife and mom? And so what that did? is it just birthed this fire in me that, no, i can't have it all. I can't have it all, and I'm so sick of women and mothers specifically feeling like, well, you have a baby now, so, oh well, whatever dreams and passions and goals you had, oh well, you should have thought about that before you had kids. You know, when I kind of people who maybe still specifically told me, like well, you know, it's not about you. You know, just every time this like fire, like builds up in me, i want to just like explode because I'm just like, like, what do you mean? You know, yes, that's a real like. You know, first and foremost, i am Chetilla And God sent me here for a reason, for a purpose, and, yes, being a mother is a part of that, but that isn't my everything now. That's not my sole purpose.

Speaker 1: 20:27

On being here right now, and for some people, yes, that might be the case, absolutely, and that's beautiful, but for the vast majority of women that's not the case.

Speaker 1: 20:37

Too often we're forced to just put down everything that we've ever cared about, just because we have other people to take care of And we completely forget about ourselves and the things in our hearts, and that fire burns out And then we just kind of deal with it. He will not just leave you out there, like he will, if you like, really diligently seek him. He will give you the answers that you're looking for, even if it's sometimes a little silent or it might be taken longer than you expected. You know it's OK, just wait it out, you know. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to just share that message and to talk to your listeners, and I just hope that you keep doing what you're doing and building this community that you're building, and I just can't wait to see where it goes for you and how it grows for you. So you know, from one moment to another, i'm proud of you.

Speaker 2: 21:26

Thank you, i am proud of you And, like you said, your story is still being written, so there is a lot more to go.

Speaker 1: 21:31

Yes, yes ma'am.

Speaker 2: 21:32

Yes, yes, well, thank you so much.

Speaker 1: 21:35

You're welcome, thank you.