When Soft Isn’t an Option

Welcome back to the Beautifully Unbalanced podcast—I’m Mikita.

In this episode, I’m getting real about this whole “soft life” conversation. I hear it, I see it, and I get the appeal… but let’s be honest—life doesn’t always give you the space to be soft. Sometimes you’re carrying a lot, you’re grinding, you’re holding things together—and comparing your life to someone else’s highlight reel? That will have you questioning yourself for no reason. What matters more is having real support—people who see you, not just the version of you that looks good online.

Then I get into what I like to call “wine, feelings, and bad decisions.” I share a story about Danielle—a woman who is always holding it down, always dependable. But one quiet night alone? Everything she’s been pushing down starts to come up—work, relationships, how she really feels about herself. One glass turns into a few, and before she knows it, she sends a text she wakes up regretting.

And here’s the thing—that moment isn’t weakness. It’s what happens when we don’t give ourselves space to process what we’re carrying. We get comfortable with chaos because it’s familiar, even when we say we want something different.

So I talk about the difference between trauma bonding and real support. Real support doesn’t just sit with you in the mess—it helps you process it, take accountability, and actually move forward.

I leave you with a few questions to sit with—about your patterns, your boundaries, and what it really looks like to choose yourself. And I tie it back to something that stuck with me from All About Love—love is not just about showing up halfway, it’s about effort and consistency.

Because at the end of the day, this isn’t about being perfect… it’s about being honest with yourself and doing the work to move differently.

Transcript

Welcome back, I am Mikita. Thank you for sharing your time, your space, and your energy with me today.

Before we jump into today’s conversation… you already know I gotta share what’s been on my mind…

here’s my two cents…

I have heard a lot of talk about  soft life era or being in your soft girl era… and I get it we all want to tap into our feminine energy every now and again where we don’t feel like we are carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders. 

But I don’t think life gets soft…  life is hard and at times if feels like some days it eats you up and spit you out. So soft life sounds good but the idea that you have to create this daily unrealistic life is will have you crashing out. I do believe that you can get better support.

I don’t know… maybe it’s just me…

but this leads me into what I want to talk about today…

Wine, Feelings and Bad Decisions.

Because let’s be real for a second…
 we’ve all had those moments.

The ones that start off real innocent… and don’t act like you don’t know what I mean… I am talking about those late nights that start with

a glass of wine… maybe two…
 after a long week that is finally catching up to you…

and somewhere between the quiet and your thoughts…

you end up making a decision you can’t take back so you gotta sit with the next day.

There’s this person I know and for the purpose of this conversation—let’s call her Danielle.

Danielle is the one everybody depends on.

At work, she’s the one who stays late.
 At home, she’s the one making sure everything runs smoothly.
 She’s the friend who checks in, the one who shows up, the one who holds it all together.

And if you asked her how she was doing…
 she’d probably say, “I’m good.”

But the truth is… she hadn’t really checked in with herself in a while.

So one Friday night, she finally has a moment to herself.

No responsibilities. No noise. Just quiet.

And at first… it feels good.

She pours herself a glass of wine, kicks her shoes off, puts on a little music…

and for a second… it’s peaceful. Just what she needed. 

But then the quiet gets louder.

Her mind starts going places she’s been avoiding all week.

The job she’s not really happy in…

The relationship she keeps telling herself is “fine”…

The version of herself she keeps saying she’s going to get back to… one day.

And before she even realizes it…
 she’s not just relaxing anymore…

she’s in her feelings.

So she pours another glass of wine.

Picks up her phone…

scrolls a little…

and then she does the one thing she told herself she wasn’t going to do anymore.

She sends that text.

You know the one.

The one that always pulls you back into the same situation…
 the same conversation… the same cycle.

And in that moment…
 it doesn’t even feel like a bad decision.

It feels familiar.
 It feels easy.
 It feels less quiet and you would rather feel anything but these feeling that have started to surface.

But the next morning…

it’s not the wine she’s thinking about.

It’s not even the text.

It’s that quiet feeling of…

“Why do I keep doing this?”

😏 LIGHT HUMOR (KEEP IT REAL)

You ever wake up, look at your phone…
 and just close it back like—

yeah… I’m not ready for that conversation yet.

And the thing about Danielle’s story…

is that it’s not really about the wine.

And it’s not even about the decision.

It’s about everything she hadn’t been honest about.

Because we talk about wanting a soft life…

but if we’re being real…
 you can’t have softness
 when you’re constantly carrying things you haven’t dealt with.

That’s why the moment hits you like that.

Not because you’re weak…
 not because you lack discipline…

but because you’ve been holding it together for so long…

that when you finally let your guard down…
 everything comes out at once.

And if we’re being honest…
 we’ve all been Danielle at one point or another.

The story might look different…
 the details might change…

but that feeling?

That moment where you sit there and think,
 “why did I do that… when I already knew better?”

Yeah… we all know that feeling.

And the thing about Danielle’s story…

is that it’s not really about the wine.

And it’s not even about the decision.

It’s about everything she hadn’t been honest about.

🧠 BRIDGE BACK TO YOUR “SOFT LIFE” THOUGHT

Because we talk about wanting a soft life…

but if we’re being real…
 you can’t have softness
 when you’re constantly carrying things you haven’t dealt with.

That’s why the moment hits you like that.

Not because you’re weak…
 not because you lack discipline…

but because you’ve been holding it together for so long…

that when you finally let your guard down…
 everything comes out at once.

So here’s what I’ve learned…

you have to have people in your life that you can actually lean into.

Not just people you talk to…
 not just people you vent to…

but people who can hold you in a moment without keeping you stuck in it.

Because there’s a difference—

a real difference—

between someone supporting you…

and trauma bonding.

Trauma bonding feels like connection…
 but it’s really just shared pain.

It’s those conversations where y’all go in circles…
 replay the same situations…
 validate the same hurt…

but nothing actually changes.

You leave the conversation feeling… seen for a moment…
 but not stronger.
 Not clearer.
 Not moving forward.

But real support?

That looks different.

A person that supports you will sit with you in the hard moment…
 but they won’t let you build a home there.

They’ll help you process it…
 call you out when you need it…
 remind you who you said you were becoming…

and help you take a step forward—even when it’s uncomfortable.

Because the goal isn’t to stay in the pain…

it’s to move through it.

So you can actually step into your next chapter

And that’s the part we don’t always talk about…

because sometimes those “wine, feelings, and bad decisions” moments…

happen when you don’t have the right support around you.

Or when you keep reaching for people
 who can sit in the pain with you…
 but can’t help you grow out of it.

And that brings me back to what I said earlier…
 about this idea of a soft life.

Because if we’re being real…
 a soft life isn’t about everything around you being perfect.

It’s about having the right support…
 the right boundaries…
 and the honesty to face what you’ve been avoiding.

Because life is still going to life.

You’re still going to have moments where you’re tired…
 where you’re overwhelmed…
 where your feelings hit all at once.

But what changes…
 is how you respond in those moments.

And who you have around you when they show up.

So instead of just calling it a “bad decision”…

maybe it’s worth asking yourself a few things.

💭 QUESTIONS FOR THE LISTENER

When you find yourself in those moments…

are you reaching for something that actually supports you…

or something that just feels familiar?

Are the people around you helping you move forward…

or keeping you comfortable in the same place?

And if you’re being completely honest with yourself…

what is it that you’ve been avoiding

that keeps showing up in those quiet moments?

And this brings me to what I’ve been reading…

I just finished All About Love by bell hooks…

and one thing that really stuck with me…
 is how we confuse love with just showing up halfway.

And when I sat with that…
 I realized how much that ties into everything we talked about today.

Because it’s not just about love in relationships…

it’s about effort…
 consistency…

and what it really means to choose someone—

and even more than that…

what it means to choose yourself.

That is all the tea that I have to spill today…

but join me next time for more real talk…
 and the moments we don’t always say out loud…

Until next time…

Namaste.